On hitting and biting, and very tough lessons

Alex has recently learned how to hit and bite. We initially thought it would pass, but it has not. We started with gentle admonitions, then time outs, and finally last week we sat Alex down and told him that from now on, any time he hits or bites, he will lose a favorite toy. Permanently.

This morning after breakfast I was cleaning up. Alex and Genevieve were in the kitchen within earshot, when I heard her start screaming. I raced in and asked Alex what happened. Innocent as only a 3-year old can be, he said, "I bit her." "Where did you bite her?" "On her hand." Meanwhile Genevieve is crying and staring disbelievingly at Alex.

I grabbed Alex and took him to sit down on the stairs, when I remembered our agreement. He was already crying, realizing by my stern tone and abrupt actions that he had done something very wrong. His absolute favorite toys the last month or so have been a set of big Tonka pickup trucks, each of which have an interchangeable trailer. So I went and got his yellow Tonka truck from the playroom, and showed it to him. I said, "Alex, you bit your sister, and now you are losing your yellow truck forever. Say goodbye to your truck."

Then he really lost it saying "goodbye," realizing the consequences of what had just happened. The next half hour was very traumatic for both of us. I could not tell if Alex understood completely, and I wanted to make a very big deal out of this situation so that he would indelibly remember it. I asked him if he wanted me to throw away the truck in the garbage, or give it away to some other little boy who did not bite. He said he wanted me to throw it away so I took him and the truck to the kitchen, and I put the truck in the garbage can. Then I took the garbage can out to the alley, while Alex watched from the back door so he could see me throw it away, and brought back the empty garbage can.

Alex was beside himself with grief. I continued to try and remind him that this is a result of biting and hitting, and every time he bites or hits, this will happen.

He was really, really sad. I was too. I never thought a simple little toy truck could be so significant, but it sure was. Dana and I sat on the couch with Alex for 15 minutes or so and helped calm him down and soothe him. By now Genevieve was well over her bite but was upset now because she could tell Alex was so sad. After we got him calmed down he had a glass of milk and went to apologize to Genevieve. Then we read one of his favorite morning books, Cookie Monster's guessing game about Food, and he finally started to settle down.

I'm pretty sure he will bite or hit again. He's three years old and I think it's pretty common. But now that he has a brutally clear experience of what that means, I don't expect he will do it very often. I certainly hope not, because it was really tough on me.